Sunday, August 11, 2013

Mesothelioma chemotherapy 10 years same treatment - a nightmare for me!

Today is day 5 since leaving the hospital after heavy doseages of Gemzidabine (gemzar) and Cisplatin.  I should be feeling on top of the world!

Following religiously the medications after coming home including dex (steroids) and anti nausea meds I have had side effects.  Lucikly no nausea thanks to the heavy internal doseages given in hospital as well.

Constipation has been my biggest problem - I have tried everything and still no luck, will ring the oncology ward today and also drop into the chemist again.  My skin is swollen, my skin is bright red and I feel very bloated!  The cisplatin does this to me however I did think that I would have coped by now and been back to normal health!  Ha what is normal health living with mesothelioma!!!

Living with mesothelioma - when something presents itself - I deal with it, that includes a visit to my oncologist to see what he thinks.  In my case last week - I was FINE, slight breathing problems - so a pet scan was ordered - bingo - fluid/tumours increasing - immediately chemotherapy the following days to see if it will STABILISE for a while!  2 weeks ago while in Queensland everyone said how well I looked.  If you saw me today - it would be another story.  

Early this morning 3am while washing my hands and looking in the mirror I saw my own beautiful mum.  Not the mum that I really want to remember when she was ill and dying of dementia and a total vegetable locked in her body.  Mum was staring back at me, it was me in the mirror and Mum was there to wait for me .... .  I said to Keith 'Mum is coming for me'!  What a horrible thing to say to my beautiful husband, my soulmate who has been on this mesothelioma journey with me all the way - every step of the way as a team.  His beautiful soulmate being taken from his life thanks to asbestos and not being able to fix my problem - to keep me alive and well enjoying our time together in old age with family, friends and travel.  When I said this to Keith, a flash came into my mind thank goodness and I said 'Mum is here to help take my pain away and help me deal with this chemotherapy', she doesn't want me to join her for a long time!

I am sorry warriors around the world that this posting sounds grim, it is just a fact being on chemo.

On another note, family and my cousin from Sydney came to lunch yesterday - a special thanks to my beautiful sister in law Cheryl for making it so special with her cooking, preparation and flowers - she took over where I would one time have loved to be doing this for everyone - pampering them and making everyone feel special and loved.

After they left - Keith, Charlie (our siamese cat) and myself took a cuppa out to the balcony, sat down and looked out to our gorgeous view - sun shining, the garden coming into spring flowers and the view of the mountains in the background - and said this is heaven living here!  I then pottered around in the garden transplanting violets/forgetme knots and getting some tiny weeds out of the ground - I felt good being in nature!

Today will be daylight soon and another day - windy, blustering and wet! 

I look forward to the daylight when my mind is not playing havoc with this chemotherapy!

To all my meso warriors, carers and others around the world - I luv you unconditional and may you be having a beautiful day.